


A Matter Of Trust

by fhsa_archivist



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Crossover, Drama, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-07-22
Updated: 2005-08-26
Packaged: 2019-02-05 16:03:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12797820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fhsa_archivist/pseuds/fhsa_archivist
Summary: Spike needs something from his Sire. Will Angel be able to trust his Childe enough to grant it?





	1. 1/?

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

{{Obviously, I was listening to 'Cryin' by Aerosmith, but there were several other songs that helped. (most of my inspiration comes from music) I just can't recall what they were at the moment.}}

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 

 

"Why am I doing this again?"

 

Rolling his eyes, Angel heaved a long sufering sigh "For the..what is it..the twelveth time now? You are doing this to prove that I can trust you. That your intentions are honorable." the corner of his mouth curled slightly "Well...as honorable as your intentions *can* be at any rate."

 

"See, now that's the problem with you Angelus." Spike pushed the door to Caritas open and stormed through "You know nothing about me. You never did."

 

"Enough to know that you'd turn on me if given half a chance. Oh wait..done that already. Um..try to beat the crap out of me? Nope, did that too. How about kill me then?! God knows you've tried often enough in the past, what with the chains and the hot pokers and everything. So enlighten me as to why I should trust you now?"

 

"Does all the hair gel you use rot what little brain you have?" disgust coloring his tone, Spike flicked him an icy glare "If I wanted you dead mate, you would be. Never even wondered *why* you're not, did you. 'S not like I've never had the chance to dust you. Yet there you lumber, in all your Dark Avenger brooding glory." gesturing to his companions frame with a sweep that ended near his face, Spike curled in two fingers and his thumb, giving the object of his eternal frustration a two fingered salute before striding to the bar.

 

Seating himself close to the stage, Angel sighed as he kept an eye on his errant Childe. Exausted with the constant war between them. Tired of the dance. Tracking Spikes' movements until he made his way across the club and dropped into the chair across the table. Shoving a glass of Guiness in Angels' direction, the blonde tossed back half the amber contents of his glass.

 

"So when is this happening then?"

 

"Hello tall, handsom and broody. Who's your pretty friend?"

 

"Got you pegged right doesn't he Peaches?!" Spike sat back and grinned up at the green skined, horned demon standing by the table "Think I'm pretty do you?"

 

"As a picture blondie. So Honeybuns, this is who you wanted me to read? Alright, the list is beside the stage, pick whatever you want, and hop your sexy self up to the mic."

 

Flicking an irritated glance at his Sire, the younger vampire gave one last attempt at getting out of performing "Come on now. You know how bloody long it's been since I *sang* in front of you?! Do I *really* have to do this?"

 

"Move."

 

Rolling his eyes at the monosyllabic response, the blonde snorted "Cave-vamp say UGH!"

 

"*NOW* Spike!"

 

Eyes gone yellow, Spike snarled at Angel, briefly flashing his fangs as he stood. Dropping his duster on his chair with a roll of his shoulders, he emptied his glass and stalked to the machine beside the stage. He read through the list, then paused to think about the reasons he came with Angel to begin with. Exactly what it was he wanted..no..needed from him. If he had to sing, if he had to be read, he figured he may as well make it worth the effort. He remembered the way things used to be. Not like he could ever forget. But for all the pain they'd put each other through, there had been some good times too. Bloody brilliant times if you asked him! Wished that some things were still that way. Wondered if Angel knew or even cared. His Sire might be a low-browed git of the first order, but he wasn't *completely* clueless..was he? Hmm. Quickly chosing the song before he could change his mind, the blonde vampire hopped onto the stage and wrapped his hands around the microphone. He might have to spill his guts, so ordered by Himself, but he bloody well didn't have to look the man in the eye while he did it! Taking a slow un-needed breath, Spike closed his eyes and gave himself over to the music. By the first chorus the bar was all but silent and all eyes had turned to the figure rocking slowly with the beat. Lorne gropped behind himself and eased into a chair. 

 

***"There was a time

When I was so brokenhearted

Love wasn't much of a friend of mine

The tables have turned, yeah

'Cause me and them ways have parted

That kind of love was the killin' kind

Listen..All I want is someone I can't resist

I know all I need to know by the way that I got kissed

I was cryin' when I met you

Now I'm tryin' to forget you

Your love is sweet misery

I was cryin' just to get you

Now I'm dyin' 'cause I let you

Do what you do...down on me

Now there's not even breathin' room

Between pleasure and pain

Yeah you cry when we're makin' love

Must be one and the same

It's down on me

Yeah I got to tell you one thing

That's been on my mind

Yeah I gotta say

We're partners in crime

You got that certain something

What you give to me

Takes my breath away

Now the word out on the street

Is the devil's in your kiss

If our love goes up in flames

It's a fire I can't resist

I was cryin' when I met you

Now I'm tryin' to forget you

Your love is sweet misery

I was cryin' just to get you

Now I'm dyin' 'cause I let you

Do what you do to me

'Cause what you got inside

Ain't where your love should stay

Yeah, our love, sweet love, ain't love

'Till you give your heart away

I was cryin' when I met you

Now I'm tryin' to forget you

Your love is sweet misery

I was cryin' just to get you

Now I'm dyin'... to let you

Do what you do what you do down to me, baby, baby, baby

I was cryin' when I met you

Now I'm tryin' to forget you

Your love is sweet misery

I was cryin' when I met you

Now I'm dyin' 'cause I let you

Do what you do down to, down to, down to, down to

I was cryin' when I met you

Now I'm tryin' to forget you

Your love is sweet...

I was cryin' when I met you..."***

 

The second the last note died Spike jumped off the stage. Studiously ignoring the glittering yellow eyes boring into him, the blonde vampire made a beeline for the bar and the strongest alcohol he could get.

 

"..looo! Earth to Angel! Hmm..Earth Angel..now there's a sweet song..*ahem* Angel hun, you in there Sugar?"

 

Fingers snapping near his face finally broke through the roaring in his ears. 

 

"Aye. I hear ye." Angel blinked then shook his head hard. Trying to ignore his demon howling in his head, the en-souled vampire turned to look at his friend.

 

"Well Lorne?" Angel cleared his throat in an attempt to dispell the husky note in his voice "What did you see?"

 

"Well Big Guy, you know I can't tell you everything." taking a deep breath, the Anagogic demon tried to order the images he got from Spike "Lord! He doesn't do things by half measures does he?! Ok what I *can* tell you is to be very carefull with that one. He's on the edge and it won't take much to push him over."

 

"Damnit! I knew it was too good to be true! I knew he hadn't changed. Who's he going after this time?"

 

Blinking red eyes at the growling vampire beside him, Lorne shook his head "No no Angelcakes. You misunderstand me. The only one he's a danger to right now, is himself. That boy is in serious pain. A huge peice is recent, but most isn't. It's old and on-going and runs so deep he can barely breath around it. The fact that he's still here is a testimony to his inner strength. It's nothing short of a miracle he hasn't taken a walk in the sun yet. Almost did a year or so back, but someone saved him. Still might happen if you don't handle this right."

 

"What? But.." Angel blinked at his friend in shock then turned to stare at the hunched figure at the bar "Old and..? Dru? He's still hurting over *Dru*? Enough to want to dust himself?"

 

"There was a girl, but the pain isn't directly tied to her. She didn't hurt him, well, not much, she was *used* to hurt him." Lorne watched the expressions flitting over his friends face face closely "It's centered around someone else. Someone's worked your boy over in almost everyway imaginable." 

 

Sudden comprehension swiftly changed to a pensive sorrow as Angel looked down. Staring unseeingly at his hands playing with his glass, his eyes were shadowed with the past.

 

"Me."

 

"I'm sorry Sweetie, what was that?" Lorne leaned closer to hear the whispered reply

 

"Me. It was me you saw wasn't it. God the things I did to him. I..Angelus..He.." breaking off with a frustrated growl Angel shook his head sharply to drive back the demon trying to shift his features, and started again "I took him from Drucilla and turned him. I raised him, trained him, made her his responsibility to care for, then once I knew he loved her, repeatedly sent her away with Darla. I hurt her, did things to her and made him watch. When I discovered he loved him..me, he..I was enraged. I bound him in chains and locked him in a tiny windowless room for two weeks. I abused him and explioted him and starved him purely for *en-ter-tain-ment*. I beat him for being too human, or on a whim beat him for not being human enough. To see how far I could push him before he broke. But he never did. He never did. And I hurt him more for that. I tortured him and ra.." breaking off sharply Angel scrubbed his hands over his face. "Almost twenty years. And then I got my soul and just up and left. Disappeared. No warning, no goodbye, just gone. God is it any wonder he hates me. I don't know how he can stand the sight of me! Of all the vile things I've done, the countless lives I distroyed, William was my greatest masterpiece."

 

"Driving the Postulate insane?"

 

"A distant second."

 

"Corrupting the Puritan?"

 

"Doesn't even compare!"

 

Lorne tilted his head to one side "He doesn't hate you, you know."

 

"Yes he does. Reminds me every chance he gets. And I don't blame him, he's the one who lived through it all. William *loved* me, and I distroyed him for it. He was right. I made him a monster. *I* created Spike. Of *course* he hates me. Hell, *I* hate me. And he thinks I hate him too."

 

"Listen to me Angelpuss. Listen to what I'm saying, and I hope you hear what I'm not saying, cause I really can't tell you much more then I already have. You think he hates you. *He* thinks he hates you. But he doesn't. He didn't then, and he doesn't now." hiding a smile at the images that came when Angel hummed through a closed mouth sigh, Lorne nodded slightly "He was your favorite wasn't he. That explains alot."

 

Giving his friend a sharp look, Angel nodded once "Yes he was. As horrific as I treated him most of the time, there were times that..when it was good. Better than. When I didn't hurt him. When I allowed us a little time togeather to just..*be*. Will showed me things, felt things, made *me* feel things that I thought a demon shouldn't feel. That was part of the problem. Angelus could be a right bastard if he though something or someone was making him less. To him, love was a human emotion. Will loved him, so that had to be changed. But the main reason he did most of what he did, was because.."

 

"Because Angelus loved him too?" 

 

Sighing again at his friends' perceptive question, gold flecked brown eyes met red "Yeah. He does. The one he should have hurt the least was the one he hurt the most. I blamed Will for making me feel that way. For *making* me fall in love with him. I couldn't accept such *human* feelings. It was the most unforgivable thing William ever did."

 

"When did you accept it?" chuckling at the startled look Angel gave him, Lorne waved a hand in the air "Don't give me that look. I caught your little faux pas. You didn't say Angelus *did* love William, you said he *does*. I can see that you are connected to your demon, more comfortable with each other then you've ever been since I met you. You don't always refer to Angelus as a seperate entity anymore. The merge is important Angel, try to complete it. That aside, you need to talk to your boy. Really talk. Be honest, about everything. Connect with him and soon. You'll regret it if you don't."

 

A complicated look settled firmly in place, Angle nodded slowly "Yes. Angelus and I have come to an..understanding of sorts. I let him out to play sometimes and drink human blood once in a while, in return he keeps the taunting to a minimum when I go to help someone and doesn't try to force me to eat them instead of saving them. Well.." Angel paused with a brief smirk, gold flecks apearing in his eyes "I don' try *quite* so hard anyway. St'll be a demon after all. Bu' ye're right. I have t' talk t' William. I..*we* owe him a'least tha' much."

 

Glancing at the bar, Lorne stood up and cast a searching look around his club "Well, oh ye of the personality swings, you'd better hustle those cute little buns of yours then. Cause your boy has gone and pulled a runner on you."

 

"Without his duster? He hasn't willingly left that anywhere for twenty years!" shock driving Angelus back to his cage, Angel shot to his feet and grabbed Spikes' leather coat.

 

"Wait Angel! One more thing. There was someone else.." 

 

"I know. That's the main reason I needed him here. I'll take care of it." Heading for the door, Angel called back over his shoulder "Thanks Lorne! I owe you one!"

 

Tracking Spikes scent led the brown eyed demon through several cemetaries. Cemetaries which bore evidence of recent -and violent, if the broken headstones and torn sod were any indication- fighting. Numerous piles of chalky dust and several non-discript demons who had been viciously torn apart littered the landscape. Eventually he found himself standing outside the Hyperion, staring at the doors hanging open, one of which was torn half off it's hinges. Striding through the lobby of his converted hotel, he took note of the trashed furniture and resulting glares of his heavily armed friends.

 

"Where.." an outflung arm from Cordelia cut him off mid question. Following her ridgedly pointing finger, Angel headed up the stairs at a run, folowing the leathersmokewhiskywilliamfamilyhome scent that was Spike to the door that opened onto the roof. Taking an un-needed breath, Angel opened the door and stepped out and quickly looked around.

 

"All sorted then?"

 

Turning, Angel scanned the thick shadows of the far corner. Seeing the blackest shadow shift then grow as Spike stood, the older vampire drapped Spikes' duster over a nearby rail and sighed "I had to know Spike. Had to make sure."

 

"And?" strolling slowly into the moonlight with seeming nonchalance, light flared brief and bright over his lowered features as Spike lit a smoke.

 

Watching the blonde, Angel saw a faint tremor in his hands which gave lie to the tone of bored indiference in his voice. Sighing again, he moved forward until he came to a stop in front of the unnaturally still younger vampire. Scrutinising the carefully blank countenance staring at the ground for a moment, Angel reached a hand to Spikes downturned face, ignoring the slight flinch. Resting fingertips along a prominant cheekbone, the brunette lifted his Childes' head using the thumb lightly pressed under his chin. 

 

"And you're right. I never really did know you, did I. I still don't. Back then I didn't want to know you, I didn't *care* who you were. That you were mine was enough. But the difference is, that now that it's too late, I *do* want to know. So my answer is yes. I'll do this for you." 

 

"Just like that." flat tone rising, Spike jerked his head away and chucked the unsmoked cigarette "Couldn't just trust me for once in your miserable unlife could you. Oh no! Not the great Angelus! Laughing stock weren't you. Went and turned a sodding *POET* of all things! Never mind that I never really lost my bloody nancy-boy humanity no matter what you or your bitch of a Sire did to beat it out of me! Couldn't just believe that I love him could you! No! *YOU* have to get all broody about it and complicate an uncomplicated issue! Need *outside* help! Gotta have someone else tell you what you should *KNOW*! You're a *VAMPIRE* Angelus! My bloody fucking *SIRE*! You should *KNOW* what I feel, what I know, what I *AM*!! You bog-trotting whore-son *bastard*! *YOU*! *SHOULD*! *KNOW*!"

 

Angel jerked back, barely ducking the fist punctuating the last word that was all but screamed in his face, then lunged forward again. Grabbing Spikes' fist as he hauled it back to take another swing, the older vampire spun him around and pulled the blonde tight against him. 

 

"Let go of me you wanker."

 

Hands tightening further, Angel shook his head "No. That's what I've always done. Let you go. Turned away. I can't do it anymore. I won't"

 

 

"Well bally-hoo to you mate! Congrats on your epiphany and all, now let me the bloody buggering fuck *go*!!"

 

Sucking in a sharp breath at the sensations produced when Spike twisted against him, the brunette demon burried his nose in the bend of his Childes neck and tasted the scar that marked his turning. The younger vampire jerked and gasped as a bolt of lightning shot from the silver scar straight to his groin. Arched his neck to grant his Sire better access, the blonde froze a moment later when he realised what he was doing. 

 

"Fucking hell..don't." Spike tried to pull away again. To put some distance between himself and the man that he wanted to posess and be posessed by. 

 

Angel moved with him, easing the slighter vampire back against his body. Reveling in the scent and feel of this man, this vampire, his Childe. HIS! How many nights had he spent alternating between forcing himself not to think about, and brooding over, his favorite Childe? How many days had he spent dreaming about him while he slept? The way he felt against him, flushed warm from a fresh kill. The way Will looked after a long, slow, torturous screw, sprawled slumberous and sated across his bed. Like a fallen angel. The desperate, needy sounds Spike made when being fucked through the mattress, or floor or wall, what ever was handy, right before screaming his name. More devil then angel then. The feel of his hands. The taste of his mouth. The scent of his skin. The sweet burn of his blood. How could he have turned away from this? How can he now?

 

"Don't what? Don't hold you? I have to." Angel rolled his forehead against the bend of Spikes' neck, mapping the contures of the body under his hands "Don't touch you? I can't help it. I need to. I need you." 

 

Spikes' head fell back against Angels' shoulder, arching helplessly into the sure strokes making his skin ache "Ahhh...Christ Angel please! You h-have to stop. I c-can't...!"

 

"Can't what Will?"

 

Wrenching himself out of the older vampires' arms, the blonde scrambled across the roof "Don't call me that! I'm not him anymore! Bloody hell Angelus don't *do* this to me! I can't! I just *can't*!"

 

"What is it Spike? You can't what?" steping closer, Angel stopped when the younger vampire backed away from his out-stretched hand "I'm trying here, I really am. Talk to me Spike, please."

 

"Can't do this. Can't go through that again." shuddering, Spike wrapped his arms around himself "I gave you all I had in me to give and you *left*! I won't survive it a second time! I can't have you only to lose you again!"

 

"I'm not going anywhere Spike. Not this time. Not ever again. I don't want to lose you again either. I'm so sorry for leaving you. For everything I did to you. I can never tell you how much I regret it, but I can't change the past. All I can do is try to make the future better. And I want my future to include you. I love you Will. I always have. I loved you back then and I never stopped. I should have told you. I wish I had, but I was different then. Then I got my soul, and I was so messed up. I was so ashamed of everything I'd done. Penn, Dru, you. Countless others. Everything I did, everything I was. Suffocating under shame and fear and pain and regret and guilt. Terrified of seeing the same hatred and disgust in your eyes that I saw in Darlas'. I just ran. I wasn't thinking straight. I haven't been for a long time. I hated myself, how could you not hate me too?!"

 

"I *loved* you Angelus, with everything I was! Hate you? I bloody well tried! Hated *myself* because I couldn't hate you! You're in my head. In my heart. In my soul. In my sodding *blood*! Can't get you out no matter how hard I try." shaking his head, Spike gave a slightly histerical sounding laugh "*Hate* you?! I *LOVED* you, you pillock! Loved you then, love you now. Loves bitch, remember? I'll love you till I'm dust."

 

Slowly aproaching, Angel enfolded his trembling Childe in his arms and burried his face in his hair whispering "I'm done running Spike. Of all the things I regret, you were never one of them. What I did to you, yes. God yes. But never you. Stay with me. I need you. Gods I love you so much. I'm *sorry* it's taken me so long to tell you. I'll no' leave ye again Little One I swear i'. Let me try t' fix this."

 

"Can't stay. You know I can't. I can't have you both and I love him too." pressed against his Sires' throat, Spikes' muffled voice broke "So much it's killing me not to be with him."

 

"I know Will. I know." running soothing touches over as much of the body in his arms as he could reach until the younger vampire stilled, Angel leaned back to look down at Spike "I'll make that call first dark tomorrow. I'll talk to the Watcher, and work this out alright?"

 

"Could you stay with me tonight?" wincing at the needy tone in his voice, Spike looked away with a frown "Just for..just until.."

 

Angel turned the averted face back to look into troubled blue eyes and pressed his forehead to Spikes' "As long as you need me too Will. Whatever you need me for, for as long as you need me."

 

"I've always needed you, you silly git. Haven't you figured that out by now?" rolling his forehead against Angels, Spike brushed their noses togeather then kissed him gently "Doesn't matter where I go, how much time passes or who I'm with. One way or another, I'll always need you."

 

"Good 'cause I think I've always needed you too. But you know me.." flashing a small grin, the older vampire rolled his eyes in an attempt to lighten the mood "deny..repress..brood. It's what I'm good at."

 

"Got that right! But as I remember it Peaches.." Spike allowed it and grinned back "That's not all you're good at."

 

Wiggling his eyebrows, Angel licked Spikes' bottem lip "So glad it was memorable. And here I was thinking you'd forgotten. Lets get you back to him, then we'll see if..well, I don't share very well, but I'll force myself if it means we can...spend some time togeather again."

 

"Still a randy ol' bugger are you? Good on you mate. Tell you what. You make that call, fix this for me, and I'll do everything I can on my end to find a way."

 

Lowering his head, The older vampire scented his mark, hidden just under the colar of Spikes' shirt. Giving it a light nip, Angel grinned against the pale skin when Spike gasped, wriggling closer. "*Who's* a randy bugger? Lets go in. Sun'll be up shortly and we need to get to bed."

Slapping Spike on the back of the head when he snickered, Angelus growled in mock exasperation "T' *sleep* idiot Childe! T'morrow nigh t'is goin' t' be hell, an' we are both goin' t' need t' be well rested." giving the scar one last nip, Angelus pulled away. Threading his fingers through Spikes, he led the younger vampire back inside, pausing only to grab his leather duster on the way by.

 

"Yeah yeah. I know what you meant. Always were a kill-joy Angelus. But no matter. You get me there, and I'll get this put to rights."

 

After stopping briefly to feed, they made their way down to Angels' apartment. Stripping off, they climbed into the big bed, curling togeather. Easilly finding their old favorite possition. They had almost driffed off when Angel heard Spike whisper in a voice so faint, he almost didn't hear it "He misses you you know. He never said anything, never talked about it, but he does."

 

Shock kept Angel awake long after Spike had drifted off. Angelus paced the confines of his cage, muttering to himself. Gradually, sorting through the memories, a sort of contented peace washed over him. Angelus sighed and stilled. Feeling for the first time since his youngest Childe died on the Hellmouth that maybe, just maybe everything would be alright. Surrounded by Spikes' scent, and the familier yet new feel of his body draped over his, Angel followed Spike in the realm of dreams.


	2. A Measure Of Peace

Even when your whole world gets turned inside out, things have a way of rolling around again. Until it seems like you're almost exactly right back where you started. The more things change, the more they stay the same right? So here they were. The three of them, at a table in the club they had taken to visiting every friday evening to unwind after a long week of work, school and patrolling. Giles had left earlier following a phone call from Angel, saying he would be back. Just like old times.

But sometimes, there are things that will never be the same. Some things, that you believe with every fibre of your being that will never be ok again. Buffy and Willow sat watching Xander stare at the smoke curling from his cigarette. He had taken to having a smoke and a glass of Jack Daniels every night about a half a year ago. It had been almost six months since Sunnydale was reduced to a crater, the Hellmouth sealed forever. Six months since they had relocated to LA. Six months since their once goofy, babbling friend had spoken beyond the necessary, laughed or even smiled. Six months since Spike had died saving them all. Xander had simply shut down. He hadn't cried or even spoken Spikes' name. Refusing to deal with the loss of his friend and lover. Changing the subject or walking away if he was mentioned. 

Between the three of them, Buffy, Willow and Giles had tried everything they could think of to help him, but Xander wouldn't be reached. He went to work everyday, patroled almost every night, helped with research when it was needed. But he was only going through the motions. Like he was operating on auto pilot. The girls had decided that enough was enough. Xander needed help, he needed to deal with the loss of his Mate. And one way or another, they were going to help him, whether he wanted them to or not. Over the past few months, the four of them had become friends with the owner of the club, so this night, the girls had spoken to him and explained some of their situation. Gracing him with a hefty tip for his DJ and the promise to book his club and only his club for any events, Buffy and Willow compiled a list of any and every song they could think of about love and loss. Hoping to break through Xanders self-constructed walls with music since nothing else had worked. After the third song, he had merely shot them an inscrutable look and ordered a shot of JD. There was one particular song that Willow had chosen with the road to Xanders' healing in mind, praying that it might be the catalyst. After the tenth song, a slight tremor had appeared in the hand holding the ever present cigarette and Xander switched to doubles. When the song she requested came on, the two girls closely searched their friends' empty expression. 

 

***I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

 

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase***

 

His breathing hitched and Xander closed his eye for a momant.

 

***When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All of me***

 

Tossing back the remains of his drink, the dark haired man tried to set his glass down, but by now his hand was shaking so hard, it slipped out of his fingers and shattered on the floor.

 

***You used to captivate me

By your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts

My once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away

All the sanity in me

 

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All of me***

 

He leapt to his feet, sending his chair crashing over just as Giles hurried through the door with Angel close behind. Breathing hard, Xander backed away from the table shaking his head in mute denial.

 

***I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along***

 

Stumbling back with a low cry, Xander spun around and ran out of the club, evading the hands grabbing for him. Following him out to the middle of the parking lot, the four of them came to a stop several yards from the violently trembling man. Speaking to him softly, but cautious about aproaching any closer until sure of their welcome. Not knowing what his reaction would be if anyone touched him at that moment. 

 

Giles removed his glasses and wiped them quickly "Are you certain this is the best aproach Angel? I'm still not quite sure if.."

 

"*Yes*!" the vampire cut Giles off abruptly and shot the Watcher a telling look "I *was* where Xander is, a few months ago, so I know what he's going through. I lost him too."

 

When the girls went to go to their friend, Angel held them back.

 

"Wait. He's not ready yet."

 

Buffy pulled away "What are you.."

 

"Leave him. He needs to do this. He has to break before he can be put back togeather."

 

Keeping his eyes pinned on the tightly wound human, Angel watched him tremble on the brink. And finally tip over. The breaking strain had been reached.

 

Panting harshly, Xander fell to his knees. His head fell back and taking a deep breath, he screamed months of pent up rage and misery at the sky. Flinching back at the anguished noise pouring from their best friend, Willow and Buffy cluched at each other tearfully and leaned into Giles comforting embrace. At the third scream Angel stepped around in front of him. 

 

"Xander.." Reaching out, the vampire grabbed Xander and pulled him up. Wrapping his arms aound holding tight as the distraught man screamed again and fought to get away, to run, somehow escape the terrible inferno of pain threatening to eat him alive from within.

 

"Let him go Angel. We can take care of him."

 

"No Buffy, you can't." Angel looked at his blonde ex "But I can." 

 

Pulling away from the witch and the Watcher, the Slayer wiped her cheeks "How the hell can you help him? He hates you!"

 

"Yes, but not for the reasons you think." brown eyes turned yellow "Besides, 'tis no' Angel he needs. Th' boy needs *me*."

 

Ignoring worried questions and slightly frightened stares, the dark vampire looked at the struggling man held tightly against him. The eye not covered by the patch was screwed tightly shut. "Alex."

 

Getting no response, he held the human securely with one arm and grasped his hair, pulling his head back "Alex! Answer me boy!"

 

"Why do you keep calling him Alex? And why are you talking like that? Angel? Are you..? Do you..? Is..?"

 

"Short story fer simple minds, I havna lost my soul, and th' boy an' I have a history. Add t' that th' fact that he's bonded t'my bloodline, an' there ye have it. As Consort t' my Childe he's onea mine. Now back off th' lot of ye an' let me see t' him. Otherwise, ye may as well jus' walk away from th' charnel hut and le' th' vultures circle. Because soon th'r'll be nothin' lef' t' save.""

 

"But we were togeather too.."

 

"No ye daft girl. What the silly shite was thinkin' I canna fathom, but *you*" Angelus shuddered "dated, *they* were mated!" shaking his head abruptly, the demon tightened his hold and glared at Giles "I dinna have time for th's! Explain it t'her Watcher, like ye shoulda done long afore now!"

 

Looking down, the vampire stared into the face tipped up towards him and gave Xanders' head a shake "Alex! Get aholda yerself afore I do it for ye!"

 

Still getting no response beyond renewed struggling and the pained howl of a trapped animal, the vampire snarled and his face shifted. Fixing Buffy with a balefull yellow glare when she stepped closer, he bared his fangs "I'm no' about t' hurt th' boy. Dinna interfere Slayer!"

 

As Xander sucked in another breath to howl again, the dark vampire darted his head down and took hold of his throat with a growl. Xander immediately relaxed in his hold, and the breath went out in a sigh. When the body in his arms went limp, the growling tapered off. After scenting the now willingly bared throat for a moment, he loosened his grasp allowing the younger man to slip to his knees. Stepping back with a pleased humming sound, the vampire watched closely. Ridges smoothed and fangs retracted as he waited for the human to collect himself. 

Xander took several shakey breaths and swallowed hard. Raising his head he looked up at the black clad figure standing in front of him.

 

"Ang.." breaking off to clear his throat, the confused human blinked to focus his eyes and tried again "Angel? I thought.." lifting a hand that shook slightly, Xander touched the unbroken skin of his throat, took another glance at the 'leather pants of evil' and shook his head, turning away.

 

"Thought what Boy?" tilting his head to one side, the vampire crossed his arms and allowed a small smile to curl his mouth "What were ye thinkin' then?"

 

Xanders' head jerked around on a gasp at the lilt in the demons voice. Staring up, disbeleiving brown eyes searched afectionately amused yellow.

 

"Angelus?" he whispered hoarsely

 

Hearing a yelp and scrape as their three observers scuttled away, Angelus threw his head back and laughed. Xander scrambled to his feet and ignoring the shocked gasps and shouted warnings from his friends, stepped closer. 

 

Staring intently, he asked again "Angelus?" 

 

"Aye Alex. Tis I."

 

A blinding smile lit Xanders face as he launched himself at the vampire with a shout. After attempting to squeeze the vampire into a second death, Xander pulled back, ghosting fingertips over the planes of his face. Shaking his head with an indulgent smile, Angelus spread his arms out to the sides and stood still as the young human unbutoned his shirt and started running his hands over him. Assuring himself that the demon was whole and as unblemished as he remembered, Xander looked up. And suddenly it was like the hole that had taken up residence in his heart when Angelus was sent to hell, then came back as Angel and left town, was healed. What had been missing for so long was returned. Something just fell into place inside him. He blinked as though seeing the vampire for the first time. Throwing his arms around his neck, Xander buried his face in the cool throat, babbling frantically. Chuckling, Angelus held him close. Running his hands up and down the warm back as the dark haired man mumbled into his skin.

 

"Aye Baby Boy. I missed ye as well. We hadda few things t' work out atween us, did th' soul an' I. Ye might say we've come t' a bit of an understandin'. Here t' stay now are th' two of us, I'll no' be leavin' ye again."

 

Feeling a shudder run the length of the human clinging to him, Angelus burried his face in the warm dark hair, holding him closer. Tasting salt and anguish mere seconds before the tears fell hot and wet against his cool skin, the vampire braced them both for the comming storm. Closing his eyes against the hurt of one of his boys in such pain. One more violent shudder and the dam broke. Great heaving sobs tore from Xander. The choked off screams of acusations and half shouted pleas muffled by the body under his mouth. For long minutes Xander cried as though spitting bits of himself into the vampires' skin. Slowly he calmed until he rested against the demon, empty and exausted.

 

"Alrigh' now buachiall?"

 

Taking a deep breath, Xander lifted his head and nodded. Seeing wetness shining in the light of the streetlamps on the pale chest and a dark patch on his own shirt where his tears had run, the mortal flushed and shot the brunette vampire a small embarrased smile.

 

"Um..I'll just.." pulling away, he took off his t-shirt and dried the cool skin. After wiping his face and discreetly blowing his nose, Xander balled up his damp shirt and threw it in a nearby dumpster. Taking a quick peek up through over-long bangs, he flushed again at the look Angelus gave him. Ducking his head, Xander stepped into the vampire again pressing his overheated forehead to a cool shoulder "Sorry."

 

"And what would ye be sorry for?" running a hand up the young humans back to lightly grasp the back of his neck, Angelus gave Xander a little shake "Tis no' as though th's be th' first time ye've been in my arms."

 

Squirming with embarassment, Xander leaned closer "That's not what I meant. I meant for my girlie freak out and getting you all messy."

 

The dark vampire gave him a harder shake "Enough o' that now! There's no shame t' be found in mourning! Truth be told, I had me own *girlie freak out* as ye call i' some four months past. Angels' friends were less th'n impressed le' me tell ye. I tore th' office apart. Took th' better part o' a month t' get th' place back t'geather. I would have come for ye afore now, but.." giving a sigh worthy of his souled counterpart, the golden eyed demon rested his cheek against warm dark hair "Liam an' I were at cross purposes fer a wee bit, an' we had t' work a few things out. That no' bein' problem enough, we had another...situation t' work through. Besides.." chuckling, the smooth voice lowered to a purr "Tis no' as though it be the first time ye got me..messy either."

 

"I know. I remember. I remember everything. It's just.." Xanders voice broke and he took a deep shuddering breath "I m..miss him."

 

"Aye boy. I know. As did I." 

 

Inhaling the cool muskypineleatherangelus scent, Xander finally found a measure of peace. He slowly lifted his head, tilting it to the side to slide along Angelus' until their cheeks were pressed togeather. Even though he wished they could, Xander knew they couldn't stand there like this forever, other things needed to be dealt with. Leaning back with a sigh of regret, he gave the vampire a contemplative look and cupped the side of his face. Tracing along the vampires' bottem lip, Xander followed the path of his thumb with his tounge. Sucking in a sharp breath, Angelus tugged Xander closer, capturing the humans mouth. The kiss was cut short when Xander pulled away abruptly at an outraged squalk.

 

"Xander!!" Buffy stood staring with Willow a few steps behind. Almost identical looks of shock on their faces "What the hell are you doing?! Why are you kissing Angel? I thought you hated him! And hello!! How long have you been kissing Angel?!"

 

"Ah crap." sighing, Xander rubbed the back of his neck "Ok, I can do this. First off, I'm *not* kissing Angel. I have *never* kissed Deadboy!"

 

"But..with the hugging and the no shirt, and lips and the tounge thing.."

 

"No Wills. No 'lips and tounge thing' with Angel. Angelus yes, Angel no. No Angel kissage with the Xan-man!" 

 

"And what pray tell is the difference Xander?" Giles was well on his way to polishing a hole through his glasses "If what..He says is correct, and he hasn't lost his soul, where do you think Angel *is* exactly? They share the same body. It's not as though he can step out for tea now is it!"

 

"Doesn't matter G-Man, not the same thing at all. If you'd ever kissed Angelus, you'd know the difference. Not that I think you've ever kissed Angel and therefore have a basis of comparison, or even kissed Angelus, cause I'd know if you had, and you haven't, not that'd I'd blame you cause I mean look at him! But I'm glad you haven't cause I think I'd be not all that happy and really kinda jealous and ok I need to stop now." shaking his head, Xander turned back to Angelus, who was watching the procedings with a lopsided grin "But he does have a good question. Um Angelus? Where *is* Angel? I mean where does he go in there? Does he just like turn his back and plug his ears? Does he even have ears to plug? How does that work anyway, with the whole sharing of the body thing. And *why* did he go. Does he..umm..I mean can he see what's going on? Hear us and stuff?"

 

Reaching out, Angelus tugged playfully on the boys' ear. Chuckling when Xander stuck out his tounge, the vampire grinned "Depends on what's goin' on. Why he let me out t' begin with. There b'times that he stays right below th' surface like, an' others when he runs so deep I can barely feel 'im. Aye he can see an' hear everythin' that's goin' on around us. He pulled back because he knows that ye needed me. He'll be wantin' back out sooner or later. After all, it might be my..well, our body now, but twas his first, so we've learned t' share somewhat."

 

"He can? He did? So he like saw me being all girlie?! And he felt..wait, can he feel too?" when the vampire nodded, Xander groaned "He felt me kiss you. Great googly-moogly they were right. I kissed Angel. Ok, that's just giving me the wiggins! Cause I pretty much kissed Angel, but I didn't. I kissed *you*, but I kissed him too, and I was kinda kissing you both at the same time and GAH! I kissed Deadboy! Except I didn't, only I kinda did and mmfffh!"

 

Angelus lifted his head, releasing Xanders' mouth and shrugged at the incredulous humans "B'times th't tha' be th' only way t' shut th' boy up."

 

"Not a method we shall be utilising at any time in the foreseeable future let me assure you." Giles stated dryly "Now if we are finished here..? Perhaps it would be best if we all went inside. Might I suggest we retire to my flat for the remainder of the evening? It would seem that there are things to be discused."

 

"Good idea Giles. We shouldn't be just standing around out here all 'hey vamps come get us!'. That never ends well. Although it's not so much of a problem with me and Angel here. Um..I mean me and Angel and..and Angelus? Ok now *I'm* having a wiggins!" 

 

"Yeah we should really get going, now that Xanders ok. You're ok now right Xander? Cause wow Xander babble!" Willow stepped closer to her friend anxiously "I mean apart from well..everything, cause you know we were only trying to help cause we love you and you were so sad and we just wanted to help you not be so sad and then the whole smoochies with Angel thing and you're ok now?" 

 

"Yeah Wills. I think I'll be alright. Thanks guys. But uh..about the Angel thing.." glancing sideways, Xander cleared his throat "So Angel is watching and listening and um feeling and well you said he left cause he knew I needed you, so is he there? Like right now?"

 

"Aye Angel is here."

 

"Ok." taking a deep breath, Xander turned to fully face the curious vampire and cleared his throat "I just wanted to..Dea..I mean Angel? Um...thanks."

 

Breaking into laughter after a moments pause, Angelus wrapped an arm around the flustered brunette "He says tha' it must've b'n really painful fer ye t' admit tha' t'im." 

 

Shaking his head, Xander grinned ruefully "You have no idea."

 

Taking in the shiver that racked the boys frame, Angelus slipped off his shirt. Settling it around Xanders shoulders, he waited until the human slipped his arms through the sleeves, then buttoned it. Turning him to follow his friends, Angelus settled his hand in it's customary place on the back of Xanders neck. 

 

"Angelus?"

 

"Hmm?"

 

"I thought you quit smoking when you got your soul."

 

Sighing regretfully, the vampire stroked his thumb up and down the side of Xanders neck "Tha' I did. For th' most part anyway."

 

Turning his head Xander gave the other brunette a quizical look "Funny that. Cause I could swear that you smell and taste of smoke. And leather."

 

Pausing long enough to tell Angel to shut up, Angelus cleared his throat "T' be sure now Alex, and fer a good reason at tha'. It be why I came t' ye th's night. Ye'll have t' wait till we have a few moments alone. Th's don't be a tale t' be sharin' with an audience. Tis somethin' ye need t' know about."

 

"Not sure I like the sounds of that."

 

"Do ye trust me Alex?"

 

Nodding, Xander reached back and clasped the hand on the nape of his neck "With everything I am."

 

"Tis glad I am t' hear tha'." Angelus pressed a kiss to the top of Xanders head "We'll speak of th's after the humans have gone."

 

"What?" the brunette human shot the vampire a quizical look "They've got the skinny on us now. Can I just say yay. That was all of the fun that wasn't. I missed you, you're here, and Deadboy isn't going postal. Seems all in order to me."

 

"Nothin's ever simple as i' seems Buachiall. Ye of all people should know tha'."

 

Sighing, Xander flicked a glance at the demon beside him "Come on. You gotta give me more then that! I mean 'cryptic guy' isn't really your bag, it's Angels'. Well, that and 'broody guy' and also 'lurky guy' but that's not the point I'm trying to make here!" 

 

Angelus snorted inelegantly, giving the human an amused look "Are ye even sure what yer point *is* th's time? Makes no' a wit a difference either way, I'll no' tell ye afore I be good an' ready. An' tha' won't be.."

 

"Until after the humans are gone. Yeah yeah. I got it already." Xander sighed in resignation "Can't just throw a guy a bone or something can ya! Darn cryptic vampires."

 

"Will misses ye somethin' fierce Alex." 

 

Angelus caught Xander as he stumbled and mentally snarled at Angel to shut up his caterwaulin'. William was *his* Childe and Alex his Childes' chosen consort! And as such he would share information and arange their meeting as he saw fit! Hand firmly on the back of the humans neck, the brunette demon kept them moving, following Xanders friends.


End file.
